I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
You Might Also Like
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.