I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
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villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Its a hippotatomus
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal