I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
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[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I think this should do it.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Remember folks 😂
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
🤣🤣🤣
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”