I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Jogging
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?