I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
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I only eat vegetarians.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
quarantine day 3
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.