How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Phones down.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.