@calamitydaisy: I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
@danjan13: Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don't think I am.
@laurenreeves: "911, what's your emergency?" "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller." "That's really funny." "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."