[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
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Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
What
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere