I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
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I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Today’s Times
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.