I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
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[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I feel seen
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?