I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.