@matt___nelson: I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at restaurant] Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine's Day! How many? Me: Just one, thanks. Wife (clears throat): Two.
@Leemanish: FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY - WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!
@MrPhetz: Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon