i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain