Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Got him!
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.