Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No