@MythicPicnic: I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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@albz: I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
@krishna_van: "Look on the bright side - at least there's more for us to drink with him gone" is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
@kelownagoose: If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I'll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.
@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."