I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.