I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
a god among men
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Great game to play with friends
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.