I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
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I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*