I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
SCARY COSTUME
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.