I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My birthstone is a marshmallow
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I’d love this…lol
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw