When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
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A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
this has done me in for some reason
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’d love this…lol
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.