i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
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Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!