My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
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Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Can Happiness buy money?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.