I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
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.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
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*go back once more*