I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
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Welcome to the stomach
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.