You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*