I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
A choir of Spring onions
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
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Me: Same
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.