Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Spider-cat: No One Home
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes