@Crap_Advisor: I feel like a tampon... In the right place... at the wrong time..
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@aka_fatman: President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you- [two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow] That wasn't the intercom.
@ChickenFrecklez: Me texting friend: Hey! What's up? Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling* Me: I am so glad I didn't ask "how's it hanging"
@Storminika: I can't sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I'm an owl.
@StarWarsProblms: Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You're the best dark Jedi ever General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader's helmet