“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
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someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.