@SaxMouse: I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I've never seen a bear and was like "Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around"
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@AristotlesNZ: 5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up! Me: What? What's wrong? 5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7.. Me: It's 4am! 5yo: I can't tell time..
@sofarrsogud: The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
@frogshack: [in the car with the wife] *I take both hands off the wheel* Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
@SadFaceOtter: Lost your keys? Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier