me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Cheer up.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.