I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
so i’m at the stock market right
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”