I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
You Might Also Like
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it鈥檚 carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he鈥檒l die on.
My son鈥檚 blood type is parmesan.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 馃槑
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Sorry, can鈥檛. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it鈥檚 mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi