I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
🙋♀️
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Art by Pastelkatto
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.