I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
just having fun
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
New menu item
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I’d love this…lol
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.