@phranqueigh: I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
@jenstatsky: Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
@3sunzzz: A millennial told me that he and his friends weren't on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, "Finally, we won!"