I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat