I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else