“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
can’t bark with your mouth full
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus