“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed