I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?