I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil