I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
You’ll be OK
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking