Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
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[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..