I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Never ghost your hitman.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.