I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
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My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees