I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical