@LizHackett: I feel like I'm not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don't cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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@batkaren: [after lover's spat] ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes. HER: You're just naming foods. ME: Pumpkin. Muffin. HER: ... ME: Zucchini bread.
@squirrel74wkgn: If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."
@PoliUncorrect: Pharmacist: need any help? Me: Yes, I'd like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car
@3sunzzz: 5: Can you cut off the skin? Me: What? 5: *holds up sandwich* the skin M: The crust? 5: yeah M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.