My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
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Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon