I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
You Might Also Like
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
You can’t outrun your problems…
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow