@DadandBuried: I feel like landlords who don't allow dogs but DO allow children don't know very much about children.
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@heymonroe: *notices girl singing song that's on in coffee shop* Me: You're a Cher fan too!? Her: Hold on *takes off bluetooth* Her: What? *dies alone*
@markydoodoo: I'm 34 years old and I still don't know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
@davidkenny100: Pal: "on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals" Me: "how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?"