Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me