my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
How wrong was this guy?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.