I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
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*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family