woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Note to self: always read the final line
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.